The Mental Meanderings of Marti

picture perfect non beligerance

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 07:42:38 GMT

You are a hateful, spiteful person.

You will never know, comprehend or accept responsibility for the pain you have caused everyone.

You have made inflicting pain an art form.

You will always be alone in a crowd of thousands - but know we do not forget.

You will never read this - and if you do, you will never shoulder the blame.

You are a pathetic excuse of a person.

back to reality, oh there goes gravity...

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 06:09:54 GMT

So here I am - 8, nearly 9, months since I wrote my last entry on here - and what do I have to show for it now?

I have an awesome place, an awesome man, as of April I have an even more awesome job (MST were a pack of shunts, in case anyone wanted to know), and my birthday is but less than 5 days away.
Ive been to Vanuatu on a cruise - which was uber awesome in places - I've picked up a ring that encapsulates all the love that Trev and I share - now all that has to be done is the askin'! lol
The things that have gone horribly wrong since I got here can be summed up in the following small captions:

"Madam Butterfly (whose identity shall remain a secret) is a self-loving, self-involved beeyatch, who's thoughts are only of herself, who was asked to leave because she was throwing everyone elses' lives in chaos with her "one-thousand acts of thoughtlessness" ".

"I hate burying beloved pets - we buried Trev's cat of 16 years the day after I got fired from MST (long story)" Life sucks balls.

and

"Family can suck balls - even on the high seas on the adventure of a lifetime".

Ive taken up smoking, given it up and then taken it up again. Ive dabbled in the finer points of chemical substances and found it to be not that bad, but then not that terrific either.

Ive found that you cant place your faith and trust in one person without getting yourself hurt - unfortunately, life isnt exactly what Id like it to be, no matter how hard I try and co-erce the sun, moon and stars to do my bidding.
Ive found that not everyone's heart is as honest and open as mine.

But I've found that the people who care, and the people who love me have all made differences in my life over the past 8-9 months. Those who have enriched my life, know who they are, and also know that they are still in my life no matter what happens or where I am or what I'm doing.

So anyways, I just wanted to say something in a place I know not many people go to read what I write.

My love to all,

Marti

Run For Cover, Motherfucker...

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 00:17:28 GMT

Thats right Ballarat - you fuckin heard me.

I'm 3 weeks away from glory - I GOT THE FUCKIN JOB!!! FUCK ME I'M GREAT!!! lol

I'll be law-ing it up at MST in Mt Waverly, kickin' it with my mutherfuckin bad self and Trev in a swanky new joint.

So this weekend is the big send-off - Saturday, kickin off from the Robin Hood, karaoke, drinking, more karaoke and then more drinking, etc...

GONNA BE SUH-WEEEEEEET!!!

Um, that is pretty much all I have to say, Im excited, but I missed out on heaps of work yesterday, so better get crackin!

Cheers,
Marti

FUCKIN SIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 01:30:57 GMT

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!

So I just get a call from Sharyl at the personnel agency for the job I went for the interview on Friday for - THEY WANT TO OFFER ME A POSITION IN ESTATE PLANNING, AND IM CHUCKING A SICKIE TOMORROW TO GO DOWN AND MEET THE TEAM TO MAKE SURE I FIT IN!!!!!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO ITS A 99% DEFINITE FOR THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST HAVE TO MEET THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!

OMG! All my dreams, plans, everything are finally falling into place!!! 3 weeks and I will be outta here!!!! OMG!!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!

I'll call people or let people know tomorrow after I have my introduction meeting thing - Sharyl said it was more than likely they'll offer me the job then and there after meeting!!

Then tomorrow after I get back, I'm getting my hair done by Chrissy!! FUCKING SWEET!!!

More soon when I know what's going on!!!!

squeely bladder fucks...

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 06:23:46 GMT

surprise surprise, harro everyone welcome to an lj update.

not much going on - moving to melbourne in 4 weeks, getting out of this godforsaken hole of a town, got a job (almost) in malvern, moving in with princess - omg, there IS a ring involved! eep! - ummm, what else...
im pregnant... hahaha, no just kidding. i feel like it today, i am the queen of premenstrual whores at the moment. so bloated. so angry in the pants.

this weekend is going to be a very quiet one again - been having a few of those lately, due to saving and having no money. i was going to see garbage next monday night, but unfortunately, i have no money. poo to that.

BUT! For those in the know - I am going to see Electric 6 at the Corner Hotel with SHEZZA!! At the end of October - ripsnorting night is on the cards I think. By then I should definitely be in Melbourne - if not, I will be crying so very hard.

My last weekend here is coming up soon, 15th October is a date to mark in your diaries/calendars to either get the fuck out of town and lock your doors, or join me for some drinky-poos. Where you ask? Every-fucking-where you turn I will be there - BWA HA HA HA HAAAAA.

PS. I love my life right now. Heaps of cool friends, no wimpy-baby-kiddy-whiners to pollute my social circle.

One thing that is pissing me off right now are people who spread shit. You know who you are.
People who come between people so they can feel important. People who come between lifelong friendships and try to get one party on their side. It shits me, and its going to come to a very bloody end.

Oh yes, vengeance will be mine...

Lots of love,
Marti

isnt that a hoot...

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 00:31:30 GMT

isn't it funny when you start talking to your ex boyfriend again, and you find the FUNNIEST things out about everyone... hahaha
having a laugh at these things makes me realise there are more pathetic people out there than i realised...
*wipes a tear* dear me, i'm STILL laughing about it.
Ah pooh, will you never learn..?
What i also find very VERY hysterical - is that I am the "crazy exhousemate". Right. That's a scream and a half - does everyone know how I cleaned the house, bathroom, toilet, etc and you sat on the couch and did nothing? Umm, and the only reason I possibly could be viewed as "crazy" a term which I find funny because Im not the one doing psych, is because I may or may not have had a semi-go at someone for what I now know as making moves on my ex. So there you go! Fuck I'm one crazy bitch - especially considering that someone locked my cats in the bedroom and they shat all over the place. Thanks for that - at least my doonah is twenty times more clean than it was before - I love that freshly laundered smell, its great!
what i find funny too, is that you'd say things in front of him and well yeah, he's still talking to me - where do the loyalties lie eh? hahahahahaha.
Am I a bitch, fuck yeah. Do I give a damn? Fuck no.
Because I dont ditch people without talking to them first. I pay all my bills. And I dont leave people in the lurch.

stupid myspace.com page

Wed, 30 Mar 2005 06:12:43 GMT

I hate myspace.com right now. theyre being gay and not letting me post a blog, so im writing it here and transferring it tomorrow.

so ive decided something.

singledom might be the way to go.

i know youre all gasping and fainting. but i just cant help the way i feel, and i dont want to be tied down right now - ive said this for over a year now, and Ive always landed in relationships. So now is the time to get single, get all this shit outta me, do my thing, enjoy my company and just be me for 6 months to a year before i will allow myself to get into a relationship.
i just wanna fuck. is that so bad and terrible of me?
ok, i account most of this sentiment as hormones right now. therefore, im going to give it a week - not play any games, but just keep it cool, try and keep some sort of distance so i can evaluate the way I feel then see how things go.

people keep telling me im too young to make any commitments - and im starting to think that maybe they might be right. thinking i should just enjoy what im doing for now and keep my options open.

everyone else can do it, break people's hearts and stuff. its not fucking easy. so whilst i feel so much for phil, maybe its best before i hurt him to let him go. and if its meant to be, we'll get back together.
maybe he was just another rebound boy? who knows...

peace out all - im going to nando's tonight with maz to try and sort my shit out.

man im so fucked up...

the last...

Wed, 23 Mar 2005 00:30:28 GMT

hey all, this will be my last lj entry - as I've found a new addiction thats sweeping this wide brown land of ours - myspace.com - I urge you all to check it out!
It is ALL free, its like LJ and (for those who have used it) okcupid.com combined. Its freaking awesome. You get to put up pics (as many as you like), post LJ entries, join groups, invite friends, email, instant message people, meet others, change your page so its all pretty, meet hella hot people, and as I said before all free.

this is my url : http://profiles.myspace.com/users/23274459 - check me out!! I have friends! hahaha

I know that totally sounded like an add for the site - well I guess it is, its really really easy to set one up, and so far I've converted two people. Hooray for me!!

So yeah, all my journal entries will now become blogs - I'm still gonna check up on all those in lj-land. myspace just makes it easier to talk to people and its heaps quick too.

So anyways, life is pretty sweet right now - Im off to Melbourne (again!!?? I hear you all groan) this weekend to see The Offcuts and Dukes of Windsor at the Espy with Ness - and hopefully get driven into town by her brother *winks*!!
Promises to be an absolute corker of a weekend, so I cant wait for that!!!

So its easter this weekend - as Im sure a few of you have heard me rant before this is my beef (or rabbit) at the easter "traditions": Jesus died, we eat fish now. Jesus rose from the dead - and we eat chocolate eggs. At what point in jesus' rising did he don a bunny suit and hand out confectionary treats for youngsters? Thats what I would like to know.
I believe that this whole thing has been concocted by the confectionary companies to sell masses of shit chocolate and really naff "novelties" if you can even call them that, to make millions off of us. It sucks, and I dont see why - even though Im not anti-religion, nor am I wholly religious either - I should spend my hard earned dollars on something that's already readily availably all year round, but twenty times the normal price?? Can someone please explain that to me?
I mean, I really would rather go to church than all of that crap.
Ok, so that's my rant. I mean dont get me wrong, I love having 4 days off, it totally freaking rocks!!

Work is still shitting me, I like it here - but the way we are so far behind the technological age its not funny - our computers I like to clacking two rocks together to make sparks - its a farce the way we are made to work here.
Not to mention no freaking RDO's.

Well this weekend will be the first time I meet the beautiful Hayley - fingers crossed! - and I cant wait. Its odd how you can have such close close friends and never even have met them, really odd! But its also good, it sorta means you can screen people before becoming friends.
Like if you see them online, and they talk to you immediately, or send you emails or sms's when they havent spoken to you in ages, or just because they had a thought on their mind - you know theyre gold - especially when you want to do the same for them!

Hmmm, so what else... oh yeah, havent heard from Mum since her birthday last week - she's got a new job and all that now - and Liam I think may be in a gutter somewhere, dont know.
Still pisses me off that they live like 5 minutes away and dont even come to see me or anything - I know I dont see them much, but isnt it the parents job to make sure their children are doing well and not the other way around????

I'm going to see COG on 5 May and Atreyu on 6 May, which Im really looking forward to coz I'll be going with the delightful Ness, getting drunk, living vicariously through her while she hooks up with hot punk/metal boys and just having a general drool-fest whilst Im there.
Phil's 25th birthday is on 11 April, and we're going to Tokyo Grill House for dinner. I get pissed off coz he says he wants all these things, and I cant buy everything for him. I wish he'd just say "Marti, whatever you get me will be fine/I really want this long-sleeve tshirt, that would make me happy". I dont like being told what to get someone, or I like just one option. NOT TWENTY FREAKING ITEMS!!! I KNOW YOU WANT EVERYTHING HONEY, BUT IM NOT DADDY WARBUCKS!!

Ok, so all jokes aside, Im outta here. I will be posting this entry on myspace.com but Im not sure how to save all of these entries that I have already made on here... hmmm... or do I even want them? I dont know. Maybe someone can get back to me and tell me how best to save them?

Thanks all - hope to see you on myspace.com soon - its so freaking addictive!

Signing off,

Martina Nellie Tobin :x

ive got you....

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 00:58:11 GMT

But it's the craving for the good life
That sees me through troubled times
When the mind begins to wander to the spoon
And i got you
Because your there to bend and nurture me through these
Troubled times
'cause the fix begins to twist my troubled mind
And i got you to paint the sorrow on my day
And i got you to paint the roses on my grave
And i got you
I got you
But it's the feeling that i get when your away
Twist my mind 'cause i'm all alone and cold, gone i feel like dyin'
And i got you to fill the craving that i get inside my mind
When you're there to fill the space i have inside, i feel like crying
And i got you to paint the sorrow on my day
And i got you to paint the roses on my grave
And i got you
All the slippin' that i slap me
I got you, i got you
All the slippin' that i slap me

It makes me wonder when I heard these lyrics, if love songs are actually about people - it took me a couple of listens to realise he was singing about his first love - drugs. What a man... hahaha It takes a lot of guts to face your demons like that though. Its a beautiful song made all the more tragic because its not actually about someONE he loves.

But I digress.

The weekend was fraught with danger, from the moment we set out on Saturday night to drive to Ness', to getting lost, to getting drunk, getting chemically challenged by complete surprise, to getting the phone call from Polly at 11:15am asking if I was coming to pull a tram... what the?? to the forgetting I'd promised my boss that I would come and pull the tram... uh oh... to the gorging ourselves on non-fattening treats that would ultimately lead to smelly farts and tears in eyes.

I've come to realise a great truth about myself lately - I really fucking love Phil. I really do.
Sometimes I wonder who actually cares about me - its crazy it really is. I have all these random thoughts in my head at the moment, they're not here to hurt anyone, this is my DIARY after all.
Like its mad, I know I have a bf, but those who know me really well know that if I get a call asking to come out, I pretty much drop him like a hotcake to spend time with friends.
I get pretty slack with calling people and returning calls sometimes though, I do admit that - but hey, I aint no superwoman. Sometimes I genuinely forget, or am genuinely tired. I seem to be really tired lately.
So, I reckon I've got tendonitis in my right thumb - more than likely from too much texting. So I gotta cut back - so to all those people I text to on a frequent basis I say - NO MORE!! lol.

I'm going to go see Atreyu in May - I have no idea who they are really, I've heard them a couple of times, and Ness assures me they are the bomb - so I'll take her word for it I think. :) Cant wait though - my first heavy metal type gig where I'll actually be awake and sober (not like my 18th when we saw sepultura or whatever and while a friend was making out with some guy I was falling asleep on the couch... ahahahahaha, good times, good times...)

Its funny - I couldnt care less about my "family" anymore. My mum and my brother seem to treat me like someone who is just "there" in the back of their minds. They dont actually see me unless Im over at their house. It freaking sucks. Its really funny, because my dad lives in Melbourne, and Ive seen him more than my mother so far this year.
I see my step-siblings more than I see Liam too. Liam's gone off the rails - this sounds harsh, but until he cleans up his act, I really dont want too much to do with him. He is my mum's problem now, Ive done all I can.

I'll probably write more later, but for now, I gotta go do my civic duty and answer other people's phones and listen to old people bitch.

Toorah.

Mort

i used to love me, now i hate me now, im just some little bitch i cared about...

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 23:01:47 GMT

truer words were never spoken.

im really over being me at the moment. im so sick of having a vagina and being a girl who wants things.

maybe i shouldnt be allowed to fall in love. maybe i should have some sort of implant, that when i start to fall in love with someone, a chemical gets released in my brain that retards those feelings, or a buzz goes off and i stop feeling anything.

im so sick of being bi-sexual too. i really hate it, and its going to get me into trouble.

ive made a resolution - a big one. im keeping it to myself for now, because i dont think anyone is going to be able to handle this one.

its about time i took things seriously and stop fucking things up.

id give up everything to be happy in myself, but then id give up everything i have and sacrifice so many people's happiness to satisfy something in myself for one night. i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself.

when i hang out with certain people, i become someone else, and i dont like that, i dont like who i become.
i get devious, nasty, cruel and i do things i wouldnt do. i go places i wouldnt ordinarily go. and i hate it. i hate me for being so fucking weak.

im so torn. someone made a powerful revelation to me today:

"Sounds like you’re torn in between being in a secure relationship and being single and doing whatever u feel like. Maybe your going through a big growing phase – growing up, feeling way more confident in yourself and comfortable in your skin, trusting yourself more…. Is it like you can see yourself doing both – being with Phil or being on your own? Its like a big fork in the road and u don’t know which direction to take?"

I thought I was already through that - fucking hell, i've been going through it for over a year now. im fucking over it - i want Phil, I want to stay with him for the rest of my life, and I dont care who knows it.
I want to marry him, i want it all. I know i sound stupid and immature, but I really dont give a fuck at the moment.
Phil is fucking annoying me at the moment, but he is someone i want children with, someone I can imagine being old with. moreso than brad, and a fucking truckload more than nick.

im fucking things up on purpose, and im going to fucking kick myself if i dont stick with it and work things out.
i need to talk to phil. i need to tell him my feelings. but i dont want to hurt him.

something is fucking wrong in my head, and i dont know how to fix it.

im screaming inside and no-one says, hey marti, you shouldnt do that, youre fucking things up. what the fuck are you doing?
maybe people think im too old to be told what to do - but seriously, i need guidance, i need someone to slap me and tell me what a bitch/slut/fucking moron im being.
maybe im just too fucked up for help.

is this a cry for help? maybe. i need to cry, i need to scream, i want to tell phil Im sorry, but he wont even know what for, he has no idea. he doesnt know me at all.

im outta here for a while, i cant think, i have to do some work...

mart.

cant get off of the train

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 04:35:35 GMT

ok - so you wanna know about sydney - in point form because im so freaking tired right now this is how things went and what I have learnt from being in Australia's gay capital:

1. Sydney smells. Its hot and humid and the people are rude and dumb
2. Gay people are great and helpful, transexuals are nice and forgiving.
3. Be prepared for the unexpected. I wasn't - seeing a vagina pretty much only a few feet away from you in broad daylight down the middle of oxford street is any eye-opening experience to say the least...
4. Being drunk for nearly 72 hours is fun at first, but when you wanna go into the daylight, not so much fun.
5. Taxis are cheap, alcohol from Bottle O's are not. $16 for a 6 pack of udl's when theyre only $11 here is mental... but it cost us $5 to get into the city. Go figure.
6. Irish pubs are full of drunk irish people who want to touch you despite having a boyfriend or pretending you are gay. No wonder we pick on the irish for being retarded.
7. If you get a hotel in King's Cross, you arent guaranteed of quality - websites are deceiving... hahaha
8. Finding hypo needles under the bathroom sink can be scarey
9. Finding a hidden door in tiles in the shower is even more scarey.
10. Nipples are hilarious.
11. Horny ducks even more so.
12. Said duck drinking alcohol even more funnier.
13. There are a lot of crazy people in Sydney
14. Most of said crazies are on crack.
15. There are a lot of strip clubs in Kings Cross - many are not reputable.
16. Be prepared to spend a fortune.
17. Find an awesome thai restaurant and go into it - you'll be surprised - $72 for three courses for 3 people rocks the kazbah.
18. CD's are fucking cheap I got : Goldfrapp, Killers, Stone Temple Pilots, Velvet Revolver, and Alkaline Trio all for under $90.
19. Photos are fun until the battery runs out in your camera.
20. Shopping is so much fun unless its 36 degrees and you have jeans on.
21. Said shopping even more fun if you score a pair of $140 for $50.
22. Malibu is the fucking bomb on a hot day.
23. Said malibu is like some wonderful drug that makes saying things like "i own x amount of vibrators" ok in front of strangers.
24. There are a lot of gay people in Australia's gay capital.
25. Always go to the pokies when someone else is putting money in for you - you could end up walking out $30 in front...
26. If you leave the house for a long weekend, be prepared to come back to your house like a small cyclone has gone through it.
27. If said cyclone has broken things on the ground, be prepared for having shit embedded in your bare feet.
28. Pulling glass out of your foot is not a nice feeling.
29. Spooning is great.
30. Spontaneous nipples falling out of tops are funny and always a crowd pleaser.
31. Fake nando's = cheaper chicken. hahaha
32. Spontaneous naughty things while people are in showers make for interesting afternoons...
33. Drinking a lot before going to a thai restaurant - not always a good idea - you cant read the menu...
34. Drunk indian guys in elevators with video cameras are scarey...
35. Sydney girls are skanky!

So my trip was great. Phil and I went to dad's afterwards and had dinner - with Phil conking out on the lawn chair in the backyard.
Drove home, could have died if it wasnt for the awesome power of Jolt! cola. AAAAAAAawesome. That shit should be illegal!! lol
Um, coming home not so great - my house looked like the wreck of the Hespress, I stood on broken glass twice and it hurt - a lot. But I was glad to crash into my own bed finally and know that my bathroom had no junkies previously shooting up in it.

Looking forward to the next trip away with Ness and Phil - yay to Ness for having the balls to travel interstate to meet someone from online!! You go girl! I so much admire you for everything you did and the way you cowered under my heavy fist and read out the script I wrote for you!! lol

Im outta here now, gotta go and do some shit before they fire my ass for not doing any work.

Smell ya later - I love Victoria!!!!

Mort

PS.

ADELAIDE - HARRY'S REVENGE - Coming soon to a road trip near you.

come up to meet you...

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 04:36:25 GMT

tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me you questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming in tales
Heads are a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing tails
And coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

I dont know what it is about this song that makes me want to cry. I think it goes back to the day I drove down to Geelong to talk to Brad after we had split up. We were talking and this song came on, we'd already established through emails that it was our song - it came on, we looked at each other and we both started crying. It was one of those moments you think - "no one ever said it would be so hard". We held each other cried and just swayed together to this song. And since that day, I've always associated it with breaking up with someone and wishing you could just get back to where it began, do things differently, and try so much harder to fix things. Because when you finally reach the end of a relationship and realise that you could have tried harder, you think "if only".

Sorry for the whimsical beginning - I have been thinking a lot lately about that sort of stuff - not to mention I had a really irritating conversation via MSN with Brad today - another Arseflap who when they talk continues to make sounds like an arse flapping when you fart. Yknow that sound? Yeah, you do. Its not pretty. Especially the big wet ones...

Anyway.

Work has been pretty poo lately - I've been thinking hardcore about whether or not to take this job back at RCT. It'd be another big step - although I'd be working on pretty much exactly the other side of the street from here! If the pay is right though, I'm out of here. They wonder why there is no loyalty here - the other job offers rdo's once a month, leave loading, bonus', my own parking space, a better working environment, computers that dont crash all the time... oh what a life!
Its not that this is too hard or anything here, its just really really shit - my desk is falling apart, I have a pink uniform (yes you heard me - pink), no rdo's, no leave loading, i have to park 10 minutes walk from work - not that that is bad, it just sucks when Im running late and cant find a park.

My mum still hasn't called me - she shits me. Im really over her at the moment. She only rings me when its convenient for her, she's never there for me in the emotional sense. She's not a mother at all.

Woohoo- new garbage song on the radio... yayy!!! I dont know if anyone's heard it yet. But I'm really excited about their new disc - it should rock the fucking planet! YEAH!
Should they tour this year - that's where I'll be, front row, centre, watching Shirley give it to me!! ohhhh yeah...

So I've successfully avoided the dreaded Arseflap since the weekend. I am quite happy about that. Yay for me. No more bad feelings for Marti!

Id like to take this opportunity to endorse the wonders of having a fake tan. For a mere $15 I was able to purchase a fine bottle of Garnier spray tan, and have a cabana boy (ok, so it was phil) spray me with it. This morning I am a bronzed goddess - albeit with poo stained feet, but just dont look down, whatever you do... DONT ... LOOK ... DOOOOWWWNNN!!!! hahaha

3 more sleeps until I go to Sydney. Im excited. I have like $500 to take away with me - go me for saving up so much! I rock. Promises to be the weekend to end all weekends. And earlier today my boss informed me that for the next 3 weeks I only have to work 4 days a week! I thought beauty!! Why?? Because of pubic holidays. How awesome is that?? Rock on not having to work!! YAYYY!!

Ok, well Im just talking diahroea (i have no idea how to spell it) now so Im off to see if I can do some more work before going home to get my hair done at Chrissy's! YAYY!!! NEW HAIR!!!

Peace out ya'all. BLAH!

uh oh, uh-ha-ha-ho... Im finding out, cheating gets it faster...

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 00:21:13 GMT

"Get It Faster"

I don't care what you do.
I'm getting out , no nothing ever shames me.
Don't wanna thing from you
I'm going out, I don't care if you're angry.
I'm getting out, no nothing ever shames me.
I'm going out, I don't care if you're angry.
I should've thought things through.
I'm holding out, but not getting an answer.
I wanna do right by you.
I'm finding out, cheating gets it faster.
I'm holding out, not getting an answer.
I'm finding out that cheating gets it faster.
I'm holding out, but not getting an answer.
I'm finding out, cheating gets it faster.
I don't care what you do.
I'm getting out, no nothing ever shames me.
Don't wanna thing from you.
I'm going out, I don't care if you're angry.
I should've thought things through.
Yeah I'm holding out, but not getting an answer.
I wanna do right by you.
I'm finding out that cheating gets it faster.
I'm getting out, no nothing ever shames me.
I'm going out, I don't care if you're angry.
I holding out, but not getting an answer.
I'm finding out, cheating gets it faster.

Hmmm, interesting words from Jimmy Eat World...
Heard the whole album 'Bleed American' last night, want it. Want it now.

I had the best - albeit the most angry I've ever been for a long time - weekend.
The best : Party at Jack n Kor's, snuggling with Phil Sunday morning on the couch watching scary movies.
The worst: Arseholes having a go at me. I hate you, I hate you so much. Dont lord all over me like your shit dont stink you manky-faced skinny little pink-shirt wearing c**t. Grrr. You make my blood boil.
I cant believe someone can have a go at me over respecting other people in the house and all that - I DONT TALK TO YOU OR SAY HELLO BECAUSE IF I OPENED MY MOUTH, A FLOOD OF OBSCENITIES WOULD ERRUPT AND I WOULD MORE THAN LIKELY END UP SLAPPING YOUR SKINNY ARSE DOWN. THAT my friend is respect - NOT giving you a verbal dressing down in front of your rat-friend is called respect for other people. Let me give you a little lesson - Respect : NOT having loud sex at all hours of the night, or if you do, try and remember other people are NOT getting off on listening to you (in the past), NOT playing your stupid fucking music at all hours and early on weekends - just because you start at 3pm, doesnt mean the rest of us do, making plans with people and NOT bothering to show up or cancelling at the last minute, thus making the day a total waste. You arrogant arseflap. I'm glad I make you uncomfortable in your own house, you dont have the guts to tell me the lies you've been saying about me to my face, I hope your skank feels uncomfortable there too.
I could go on, really I could, but what good would it do. I'm over it - well not really, not until someone breaks you so hard you wont even remember who you are.

I cant believe its like 11:15am right now, its like I havent been here for 15 minutes.

Well, 5 days until I go to Sydney. Looks like I will be funding someone else's good time while I'm up there. Kinda a bit pissed about that. I still managed to put money away, spend money on crap and treat other people out. *shrugs*

I think I have seen Loz a grand total of 3 times last week. I feel like I'm the worst housemate ever. :(

I'm really stressed with how much I am appalled by the behaviour of said arseflap above. Its really getting to me and I want to let go, I dont know why its affecting me so much.
I guess because the four of us were in such close proximity of one another for so long, and did heaps of stuff together - and because I got close to ex of said arseflap - that its like I've been wounded too. Ive gotta stop being such a sponge for everyone's bad feelings.
And also I feel betrayed because the arseflap played the sympathy card so hardcore in front of everyone, making EOA (ex of arseflap) out to be the bad guy. People like that make me so mad that no-one else can see what a prick they are, and I feel like I'm the crazy one - and then 6 months down the track, everyone will go "oh my god Marti, I cant believe how right you were". And by then I've worried myself sick and gotten over it while everyone goes through the motions that I did.

Maybe I should just stop being nice to people and be a whore-y bitch - that seems to get more people places these days.

I heard some happy news on the weekend though, which I'm gonna keep to myself until the time is right - no Im not pregnant, we established that the other week, thank god! - but its only meant for certain people - you know who you are when I tell this to you. *grin*
Its nice to know not everyone is full of hate and malice...

So anyway, I've had a good weekend other than that - got a present from an awesome friend that was totally out of the ... blue ... hehehe. Thank you sooo much - you restored my faith in the awesome-ness of people out there that I have found on the WWW.

Yeah, so Im outta here - maybe later on this week I'll have something better to say.

Marti.

just do as i say, and i will be your slave...

Tue, 22 Feb 2005 02:54:14 GMT

Well - I found out the other day that Dark Crystal and Labyrinth come out on dvd on 26 Feb - limited editions - so there is my birthday present sorted for anyone that cares... hehehe.

I havent written in here in a while. I'm well aware of that. Haven't much felt like writing anything at all.

I feel like Im sleeping deeper into depression again every day. I have had some pretty big set-backs lately, and I just feel like I dont deserve to be around here sometimes.
I dont deserve to have friends, I dont deserve to have my job, I dont deserve to have Phil, I just feel so dead inside.

My weekend was pretty pooey. Went to dads and had a bbq and a drink, but ended up crying and feeling so worthless. Why do I let my mother get to me so much and so badly???
She never even stops to ask how Im doing REALLY, its like "Oh hi, how are you", (me): "yeah alright I guess, how are you?", (mum): "oh thats good I'm really shithouse at the moment, blah blah blah, this is wrong, bill is crap, liam is a prick", etc. Its never "no, really, martina, how ARE you doing?". Isnt it supposed to be that the mum sets aside her worries to make sure her children are ok?
Everyone says that I shouldnt let her get to me, but how can I not? She never invites me to dinner anymore, never rings me anymore to see how things are going with me. I dont care that I borrowed $50 off of her the other fortnight, Im not paying it back to her out of principle.
You try living with her and having her control your life and your thoughts, making her kids scared to stand up to her in case she spits back like a cobra, her words like fangs, pouring venom into our minds and souls. Yes, its that bad.

I dont want to have to apologise or justify myself to anyone anymore. Its time I started looking out for myself. I hate this...

Well, its only 18 days until Ness, Phil and I go to Sydney, I'm really really excited about it, it's so gonna rock!!
Shopping for wasteful items, wasting my money away on stupid items that I'll probably only ever wear once and give away to someone else!! lol. Nah, I'll be buying heaps of Emily stuff and getting drunk, getting pierced (go my nipple!! prepare for the bloodening!!), and general tourist stuff thats gonna go off.
Its pretty much the only thing I have to look forward to in my life at the moment.

I owe just over $16,000.00 on my loan so far... its kinda depressing still that I have 4.5 years to go to pay it off.
After Sydney, Im going to look at doing an RSA course so I can take up some form of second job with which to live a higher life and pay more bills and pay things off sooner.
I thank god I got knocked back for my credit card - just reminds me I really dont need one and cant afford to have one. Disheartening, but unnecessary nonethless.

Well I'm outta here, but I just wanna say thanks to Hayels and Ness for your emails during the week. Mwah! :X You guys rock. You've never met, but you're heaps awesome. Thanks for your friendship - and one day I will get around to calling you Hayels!! Promise!!! hahaha

Take care all out there in LJ-land,
Mort

so many good things happening right now

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 00:30:13 GMT

1. Chrissy got engaged!! OMG!!
2. Lunch with Bec - forgot how much I missed having her in my life
3. Valentines Day with my angel - and the Emily necklace!!! Soooo good
4. Brie and Bella - Papa P and Mama M have to babies born as of Thursday. They love their wheel and toilet roll and have taken a liking to shitting on my hand. Naaaw, how cute.
5. Going out clubbing with my little brother and getting drunk with him - you'll figure chicks out one day Liam...
6. Bargains at New Gen - 50% off, come on, its noteworthy... Im so shallow... hahahaha
7. Mum and Bill finally separating - bout fucking time
8. Getting a message from someone at nearly 3am last saturday that they missed me too - when I was debating sending one to them of exactly the same script. I miss you too, so very much. Its like an odd thing to say, but i wish we were together more often.

The Bad:
1. Mum being a cow and expecting me to fix her problems
2. Getting a call from Smother 20 minutes before heading out the door on Valentines Day to bitch at me - I have a life too.
3. Same call - finding out my little brother has tried to kill himself - not once, but three times. I feel hollow inside and dont know what to do. Mum tells me she hates living there and dealing with Liam and Bill - try being Liam and being ignored for 4 fucking years bitch, and then see how it feels. Being pretty much isolated and put in your room. You wanna know why hes such a spoilt little shit? Well, you put him in his room, bought him everything to go in it so he wouldnt be "lonely", while you doted on your prick of a fucking husband and treated your children like shit. You put Liam in the backseat and left him there, now you're reaping what you've sewn bitch. And I'm not coming to your rescue this time. The reason why you're so fucking psycho is because you're self-medicating - halving your meds is not a good idea. Derr.
And how the fuck dare you not tell his own father about it??? I HAD TO TELL HIM!! HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT??? You're so fucking selfish and only think about yourself. I HATE YOU.
At the same time, while I'm fucking pissed off - I have this horrible feeling in the back of my mind : if I told my mother all this, and it hit home, I think she would try and kill herself...
4. Coming to realisations that shatter me.
5. People who are fake who brainwash others (not female) who make people feel so small, you play on their insecurities and make them feel like shit, and how many days did it take you fucking arsehole??? People will realise who and what you are.

I'm trying to put on a brave face at the moment. Trying to think of all the positives and keep myself up, but unfortunately, the bads are starting to outweigh the good.

Good things coming up:
1. Possible band seeing at Ding Dong March 2 - Dukes of Windsor here I come
2. This weekend, Liam's 2nd Coming - no, not that!! - his 2nd 18th. Should be good, Ness is coming over, and we're gonna go shopping and check out some movies.
3. Sydney - 23 DAYS TO GO!!! ARGH!! SO STOKED!! SHOPPING, EATING, DRINKING, SIGHT-SEEING!! HUZZAAHH!!!!!
4. Possible day-trip to Wagga... hmmm... have to think about that after Sydney methinks...

Well, Im about done now, so I'm outta here - smell ya later!
Mort

i am colourblind... coffee black and egg white...

Sun, 13 Feb 2005 23:06:37 GMT

i had an awesome weekend just gone.

my friday was so emotional, i spent all night crying my eyes out for a relationship that i thought had passed and i feel so powerless to stop it from leaving my life. things are out of my control now, i've put the ball in their court and will sit and wait.

on the other hand, things are better with other relationships. i have resolved two friendships - and like the pheonix rising from the ashes, these relationships promise to be new and exciting and even better this time around. we've grown and realised stupid things have been said and done - not on my part, but on others (this time i will name names : thanks brad and carli, you thought you had succeeded in destroying two of my close friendships, but its me who is laughing now).

saturday night i went out with phil, loz and liam - naaaw, my little brother dancing to "push up"! who would have though!! then losing liam twice in the george - and then watching as he was dragged away by my 35yo cousin to rafters, never to be seen again. i have a feeling the little one may have lost his innocence that night... hehehe, you need the touch of an older woman at least once!! LMAO!!

upon reflection i have realised something hardcore this week past : nick was a user and a scab. our whole relationship to me feels like he was with me because he had nowhere else to go, no-one would have him and he was a sponge who ate my food, used my house as a storage unit and forced me to move from a home i loved so he had somewhere to put more of his crap, somewhere to have a dog that i did not want. he used my feelings, wasted 6 months of my life. isolated me from others and basically fucked me over.

i'd like to take a paragraph to send big hugs to both maz and pubes. i love you's both, i hope things work out the way you want them to and in a way that you both will be happy.

went to melbourne yesterday for phil's friends (craig and nate) going away party - lucky bastards are going to travel the world as of march this year. omg - how hot is craig, ness??? AAAARGH!!!! hahahaha.
after the party, ness papa p and i went to williamstown and had the best chickens in pyjamas ever!! yuuuuuum!!

so, after a weekend full of fun, frivolity and nearly getting caught doing rude things in public two days in a row, its safe to say - i am farking tired!!! lol.

peace everyone and happy valentines day to you all,
mort.

How I feel today....

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 02:20:48 GMT

It’s 3am, I start to cry
I’m alone again
I try so hard not to fall in love
But here I am
And you couldn’t even pretend
Like you cared if this was the end

Chorus
All the things you said to me wont even matter
Do what you want cause I’m not gonna see you baby
Whats going on
We don’t care, we don’t fight
We don’t even know what wrong or right
(Now Baby) Whats going on
Whats going on…

There nothing else I can say
What can I do
We might have worked out someday
But it takes two
And you couldn’t even pretend
Like you cared if this was the end

Chorus

Whats going on...All the things you said to me wont even matter..

And I couldn’t even pretend
That I cared if this was the end…

Chorus x 2

But here I am…

This song seems apt to many a relationship in my life right now, parts of the song appeal to my memories and thoughts that are going through my head at the moment.

I want to save things and work with things and make my life better, but right now I dont know, I have taken too much on board with other people and think to myself - why bother? If this is all that is going to happen, maybe I should just end up being lonely and miserable with no-one to blame but myself. Meh, I dont know. It all seems so poo.

I'm getting excited, as of tomorrow, there will be 4 weeks until I go to Sydney with Phil and Ness. Its going to be awesome, and we've decided we're gonna dress up like rock stars before we get on the plane, with big glasses, hats and lots of bling so that when we hop off we're gonna be all la-di-da, and Ross (Ness's guy) is gonna be there in a suit and have a band name written on a namecard to greet us - gonna be hilarious!!!

Well, Im outta here - why do diet shakes taste like poo??

Say you love me every weakening moment

Thu, 10 Feb 2005 00:59:03 GMT

I figure each entry I am going to quote some form of song, so I might as well make it something beautiful and meaningful, so here is one that makes me want to cry and that I think is one of the best stage musical songs of my lifetime:

ALL I ASK OF YOU
No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here
Nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you
Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I'm here
With you, beside you
To guard you and to guide you
Say you love me every weakening moment
Turn my head with talk to summertime
Say you need me with you now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you
Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe
No one will find you
Your fears are far behind you
All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you
Always beside me
To hold me and to hide me
Then say you'll share with me one love,
One lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you want me
And you need me
Beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
That's all I ask of you
Say you'll share with me one love
One lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you
Share each day with me,
Each night, each morning
Say you love me
You know I do
Love me, that's all I ask you
Love me, that's all I ask of you

ok ok ok - so here's another one. Its one of my all-time faves, and when I die - I want it played at my funeral...

At last, my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Oh, yeah, at last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clovers
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to rest my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Oh, yeah when you smile, you smile
Oh, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine
At last

So anyway, I'm all out now. Im not going to try and help people anymore. I'm gonna sit under a rock and let the rain fall around me.
No more being a good samaritan or monkey in the middle. I'm pulling out, retract my bids. ARGH!!

Picking up my new loungesuite from Port Fairy with Ma and Papa P on Saturday, cant wait. I'll be able to laze around and have sex on it and... oh, no I wont Loz, I wont be doing any of that!

Ok, I gotta head now, work calls - Marti

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 03:19:47 GMT

Hmmm, a bit of a heartfelt entry today that I feel I should start off with some lyrics that go out to Barney, if you read this sometime soon, I thought of this song when I remember our conversation today - dont know why, but here it is:

Stupid - Sarah McLachlan

Night lift up the shades let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now for I am weak and starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
And all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that youre no good for me
but youre the only one I see

Love has made me a fool set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer
and you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places create
an oasis that dries up as soon as youre gone
you leave me here burning in this desert without you

Chorus

Everything changes everything falls apart
I cant stand to feel myself losing control
In the deep of my weakness I know

Chorus

Ok, onto things I write myself rather than relying on other people to write my feelings.

I am really in a spin with recent news of someone - not of the female kind, so dont anyone worry - who have decided that it would be nice to try and manipulate someone's mind against me. How lovely to do that and smile in my face, laugh with me and tell me of your love for the very person you are trying to take away from everyone else. How dare you? You will never read this, but one day your world will come crashing down and you will be as cold and as empty as someone I once knew.
You will end up with 20 yo girls, because girls your own age will have wisened up to the games you play, and who wont take any of your crap, and wont fall for your boyish charms.
The people you end up with will be people like you - liars and manipulators.
Rant ended, too upset to spend anymore time on you.

Everything else in my life is ok right now, so Im gonna sign off and chat to people and possibly do some work if I can be arsed.

Cheers all,

marti

Our signature dish! Luxury pie! The food of kings. Truffles. Saffron. Caviar. And champagne.

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 23:41:08 GMT

Good morning all and welcome Painville - population ME.

This morning I awoke to a stabbing pain in my left shoulder, upon checking to see that I had not been stabbed in the back in my sleep by a shitty Phrilly Foo Foo, I felt my muscles spasm and twist as I got up out of bed. Great, just great...

So I'm at work, doped up on drugs to try and cope with the pain thats making me want to cry at every movement of my body.

So my night was going alright until someone cracked one of his famous pooeys for like the third time. He just goes all quiet, doesnt touch me - but last night before he cracked it, he was like a rash all over me and all I wanted was to sit and watch tv without being molested - anyway, he was being stupid, then I went and had a shower after Maz and Loz went into her room to chat. So I got out and he'd fallen asleep on the couch, so I went to bed with Puss (cat) and sent him a message saying "are u gonna come to bed tonight or continue with your fat lipping episode and sleep on the couch?". He came in and just lay face down on the bed and so I continued to pretend to sleep with the cat on my chest and ignored him. Be damned if Im going to play his little games with him. Then he got up and left after I blew the candle out and sent me a message saying "you hate me now dont you?". THat REALLY got my goat, so I ignored it and pretended I was asleep when he came back in and turned on the light. He tried to make me laugh, but I was having none of it. Not happy jan. So he got into bed and I just fell asleep with my back to him. He cuddled me this morning, but I just didnt respond. We didnt talk in the car because I was in so much pain and because I was still shitty with him.
Then he sent me a message after I left saying he hoped I felt better and sorry for being a stinky poo head. Im not going to message him all day today and Im staying at home myself tonight, to teach him a lesson.

I mean, come on dude!! Seriously!!

Anyways, it was nice to have Maz and Loz around last night - and "Peter on the telly-phone" who took some mysterious callers for us and ended up with Maz doing her best Dr Hibbert/Guinea pig hybrid laugh that caused even more belly-rumbling laughter to errupt. Oh Maz, you are a source of enjoyment for all.

So anyways, life is ok at the moment, Im in serious thought about what to do with George, I cant look after him anymore, he eats too many of my things, and he's just too much effort quite frankly. Another thing I can thank Nick for - thanks for making me choose the wrong dog asshole, I could have gotten a little female who was younger, but noooo "I dont want a yappy dog, they shit me, blah blah blah". I hope Milly turns into a barker. :P

Ive been having weird dreams lately, about Nick and about lots of things. Stupid head, why must you think of stupid things. Grrr.

Okies, well Im outta here to go and do some work and pop some more pills,

Marti

when the pimps in the crib ma, drop it like its hot, drop it likes it hot

Sun, 06 Feb 2005 22:36:35 GMT

Ok, so I havent written in here for eons and eons - I have been on holidays.

I will write in point form - its easy to read, and Im beind lazy with paragraphs today coz its my first day back at work...

* Holidays went great, I loved my time off, it rocked my world.
* Had the talk with Smother and things are ok now.
* Finally caught up with Kristy and all is right in the world now - Im worried about her kids because she has de-enrolled them and she's just gone off the deep end, Ian cant say anything because she has him scared of her. It sucks, and I don't want to say anything to her, because then I'd be worst in the world too. I want to be honest, but how can you tell someone that you think they're destroying their kids' future?
* Had a massive to-do with Kor (well it seems massive because no-one's talking to me and little brother has been invited for a night out sans-me). So I don't know what's going on there. I know I'm writing this publicly and all, but I figure its the coward's way of actually trying to talk and stuff. Then went out Ness last Saturday night, and saw Kor and things were good, then I would get a grease-o, then a smile, and it went on - I assume alcohol was the key, but it left me puzzled. I didn't piss off without saying goodbye, we tried to leave without running into Matt coz Ness was getting creeped out - that and we were wasted too.
* Ness came down last Saturday night and had the best fun ever! I drank a whole bottle of crackling peach and had a few malibus while out and was so drunk - and wasn't even sick in the morning.
* I finally told Phil what "you're pooey" meant and well, the reaction was good. *grin*
* Spent a lot of my hols broke as a bastard.
* Got my hair done on the Friday after I got paid, turned out really well - give me another month and I'll be more blonde than ever.
* Put on some kilos - not happy Jan. But I have decided I am a healthy fat girl. Have been walking as much as possible and trying to cut out bad foods.
* Had lunch with Chrissy on the Wednesday and it was the best fun ever, so much to catch up on! Ended up at Porkies for like nearly 3 hours just chatting like old times - but so much better.
* Thursday night went out with Loz for her birthday to Irish - 3 drinks and we were all a little happy, so we went to GC's and had coffee and cake which was nice, and ended up in bed by midnight!! Sooo sad!! Where is our stamina???
* Saturday night was the big 2-1 for Loz!! Sooo much fun!! Two bottles of crackling peach, a few cups of punch and I was rocking to Bitchney Spews all night long! Pitch and I had an extra long D&M that blew me away, my heart goes out to you special friend, love you more than words.
* That night I finally told Papa P that I loved him, then ran off to dance to Do Sum-in with Chris on the patio... Silly me!! Then the sentiment was returned and I was elated. Then we said it in the morning when we were sober. I think this man is the bomb. Taking it slowly still, not talking about kids and a picket fence just yet!! LoL!!
* Went to 'Bee Plaza on Sunday morning with Papa P and bought some aaaaaaawesome cherry Vans for like $40! Reduced from $100!! If you dont mind!! So wicked. Love em to bits. Then it was Nando's for dinner - or OPC as Papa P likes to refer to it - Over Priced Chicken. Which it is, but its soooo good!!
* Things are better between Pubes, Maz and myself - dont know about Phil, he stays kinda quiet about these things until they reach boiling point. Silly man.
* We have bags and bags of salad overflowing in our fridge thanks to Mama Loz and sausages coming out of every spare orifice in there also, not to mention at least a tonne of cake left over from Loz's party. Sooo good.

I want to tak this op now to do my weekly list of thanky-ness:

1. Loz - housemate who kicks arse and looked like a sex machine on her birthday
2. Ness - for making the trip to Ballarat and taking a chance on a couple of wayward teens looking for a good time
3. Greg - for entertaining me with stories of bitch fights and endless compliments on my brilliance and gorgeousness.
4. Kor - because you make me laugh
5. Jack - because you are who you are and have been for ten years.
6. Papa P - coz your pooey
7. Pitch - because you are one of those rare people I have come across that makes my life that much more blessed.

I know 4 & 5 might not feel like they should be on my list - I still think of you guys, and Im too scared to call for fears of rejection . If we never spoke again, I always want the best for you and hope you find cock and careers that fulfill you! :)

Peace out err-one,

Mort.

Cant wash it all away, it just wont fade away...

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 23:07:08 GMT

I'm really disappointed.

In life.

In my mother.

In my friends, especially.

Why do I bother telling people things and say "please dont tell anyone" and they go on and announce it to the world anyway.

I wont even bother talking to anyone but my cat anymore. Yes, I'm just going to talk to my cat and buy ten other cats and become a crazy cat lady. Covered in fur and bedsores.

I cant help but be disappointed. I just wonder what else I've said in confidence that has been passed on. It was secret for a reason. I dont need this shit in my life right now. I've got enough going on without all this bullshit.

Im glad I at least have this diary, because even if no-one reads it, I know I've gotten my shit out and in the open and I've dumped it off my chest.

Mum is coming over tonight - ooh yay - and she was all like "oh well maybe i can come over and clear things up and everything will be fine and dandy again" I just wanted to scream at her and say "how the f**k can you say that when in the past 2 weeks ive been sick to my stomach every day even thinking about it, you bitch!!! what the fuck would you know???".

I feel like I want to just vomit and lie in a ball until it all goes away. I just want everyone to go away and leave me alone.

I should be fucking happy with my life right now, but everything keeps fucking up.

I want to send a big thank you to the following people:
Maz - thankyou for being there and listening to me and watching me blow my nose - A LOT
Loz - you're always there and its mad because we think so alike
Phil - goes without saying, you're amazing (just quietly, I love you)
Dad and Sue - the two best parents anyone could ever possibly want in their lives, they have gone out of their way to make sure I am alright, and call me and check up on me.
Ness and Hayels - for just being the two best net-pals (and real life pals too now!!) I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.

Anyway, Im bored of this bullshit, Im outta here - on holidays!! YAY!!!!

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears...

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 00:31:18 GMT

when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears,
I held your hand through all of these years,
but you still have, all of me...

These are the words I sung to my little brother on his birthday, these are the words that made us cry and I think bring us closer than we've ever been since he was born. We had a good chat at his party, made me feel better and realise I don't hold any resentment towards him about anything. Basically, its my mum's fault.

She is a lying bitch - I really dont like her at all. She is denying things that she told me about grandad - that I KNOW I heard, I even told Brad and Kristy about these things, so I know I'm not going crazy.
I dont want to speak to her, but Im going to have to.

This is going to be a pretty intense personal entry today, I'm over the whole secrecy thing - so I'm letting it all out... :

Yesterday was one of those perfect days. Phil and I went to the lake with a towel and the paper and sat for hours under the shade of a big pine at the botannical gardens chatting and reading. Then we got really erm... antsy (must have been something in the air there) and had to go home... then we went back there for dinner and lay in the sunshine, then walked around the gardens taking it all in.
I finally got the balls to ask him if anything happened with him and anyone else during the week we were apart (the week I went temporarily insane), he said no - questions lay in the back of my mind, such as why does Briony (or whoever) keep messaging him. He says she's head-fucked, I dont know... I'll think on it. I trust him though. A lot more than anyone else. I feel trusted too, for the first time in a long time.
I think I might love him, but I'm still not sure. I need time on my own to sort things out in my head. I want to hear it from him first. We keep letting things slip and its really funny, we wont say it, but we find other ways to let each other know that we're thinking it. I dont think I've been this close with someone in the way Im thinking, before.

I still feel really sick, I felt like poo last night - could just be gas :P - but I feel really off. I dont feel tired, but everyone says I look like poo.

Tonight I'm going to spend on my own with Loz I think. I haven't just spent a night with her and without Phil for aaaaages. I think I'll make dinner for us both. I know I've said that before. But I mean it this time! LoL.

I don't know what's happened to Maz. I miss her a lot, and never get to see her anymore - but then I think of Loz and how long they've been friends and I know I haven't known her long and its like Im whingeing, but I just miss hanging out and having a laugh with us three girls. It sucks a lot. I guess that's what happens when you get a boyfriend and live far away all the time. *shrugs*
Dude : it sucks trying to talk about hair and clothes with me and Loz and Phil - he doesnt get as excited as all three of us do!!! LoL. I hope you're feeling better angel.
I should just learn to stop being so sensitive about things I guess.

I miss talking to Hayles and Ness as much as I used to. Its funny, I seem to get friends in twos - Jack and Kor, Loz and Maz, and my net pals Hayley and Ness.
It sucks living a whole city away - and I still haven't got the balls to ring up for a chat. Dont know why - they are two amazing chicks who have managed to type their way into my little circle of friends and I still haven't even met Hayley yet!! Talk about mental, AND I'm going to another state for a whole weekend with Ness and I've only met her twice!! And yet I feel like I've known them both for ever!
I love ya's both girls - without you during my work hours, I'd go crazy!!

I've said it before, and Im totally hangin out to get my hair done. I know I change it all the time people, but its kinda like marking a change in chapter every time I do it.
I've realised that I go blonde when I'm really happy and go dark when I feel like poo. So maybe I should be blonde all the time?
And yeah, I'm going blonde with choco chunks in it - might look like bird poo, but its gonna be freakin funky as! And Loz and I are getting our hairs done at the same time - gonna be freakin AAAAAAAAAAAWESOME!!! Loz we are gonna be two hot babes on Saturday!!!

I still hate the pink shirts at work - nothing has changed, they still suck - maybe there might be an accident with a poorly colour-fasted black or brown sock or something... hehehe.

Well, I have nothing else to say - shock horror! - so I'm outta here until next time.

Marti

Greg - I told you I'd mention you!

Because three pounds is just naked profiteering?

Wed, 19 Jan 2005 00:56:06 GMT

For a book, a mere... 912 pages long? What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add an acre to the grounds. I'll chuck some more koi carp in my piano-shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it.

I have just found THE most bestest Black Books quotes page - everyone must go see it and laugh their heads off. I sat for 15 minutes this morning giggling into my computer screen - my colleagues think I am mad...

http://oriole.onewaystreet.nu/blackbooks/

So I've decided that Im being smothered. ARGH! I love togetherness and all the good things that come with being someone's girlfriend are great - but the constant contact isn't. I have a twitch in my eye and it makes typing things very hard when one side of your head is jumping and the other isnt.
Ok, back to the matter at hand.
I've decided to follow the advice of a very good friend of mine (thanks Ness), to spend 2 days a week on my own and have my own space and still be myself. I need to still discover who I am and keep my own identity, dammit!!!

Last night was fun though. Finally told Phil what was going on with me, and felt a bit better to get it out. He didn't say much, but he held me, and that's really all I wanted.

Having lunch with him today. See how that goes and I'll just say I'm going to have a romantic candle-lit dinner for two with Loz, and that is really what I shall do - so Loz if you read this, I'm making us dinner tonight!!! We'll do shopping after work and then eat like kings!!

I'm outta here! Stupid work...

Character is an ambience. A feeling. It's not something with fur and a beak.

I wanted you to know, I love the way laugh, I wanna hold you high and steal your pain...

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 00:48:27 GMT

So life is pretty good at the moment.

I've done the unthinkable - I've applied for a credit card, despite my better judgement. I guess just to see if someone will give me one and to use it for emergencies and stuff, bills, fuel, etc. I'd rather do that and have one bill than have heaps of things overdue. Good sense, or crazy? You be the judge. But if I have a limit of like $2,000 or something like that well thats debt you can live with yknow? At the moment I have $16,900 left on my loan, and I only got a $20,000 loan in August last year, so that's about $3,000 in 6 months, I guess thats pretty good. I'd like to see if I can do that and pay this bastard off as soon as possible.

Things with Phil are going really well. Went to Rach (his sister)'s place for dinner last night and met her husband and played with their newborn Oscar - who is GORGEOUS. He puked all over Phil while Phil was nursing him, was hilarious.

I've decided tonight and tomorrow night are going to be Phil-free nights in my house. Tonight Im possibly having Chrissy over for dinner and then Friday night I'm going to Jack and Kor's with Loz for dinner and we're having a sleepover and I'm bringing a bottle of wine with me too, so that should be really good. I just need to have a girly night and get out and do my own thing.

I've got 1.5 weeks off soon starting australia day - so excited. I'm going to get my hair done - blonde, blonde, blonde. And maybe some brown chunks in it for good measure. Or sandy blonde with platinum chunks in it. I want something funky and fresh for summer.
I'm going to stay down in Melbourne for a few days too and catch up with some net friends - namely Ness and Hayels for you people in the know.

I think Im falling very slowly for Phil. Its such a nice feeling, like slipping slowly into a really nice satin sheet covered bed, savouring every move in the material on your skin.
But I know its not love yet, its really intense, which I've mistaken before. It feels really good this time around. I just hope the feelings are the same.

Well, I'm off to the front desk for lunch - short entry again! yay!!!